If alone time is a dream, than having the house to yourself is Ambien.
Being a in an empty house can be overwheling to a mom. The quietness evokes confusion. Trying to decide how to best use the time is paralyzing. Surely there is someone who needs more food or has something to whine about hiding in a coat closet. Can it really be that the only thing standing between mom and a nap is one flight of stairs?
The primary rule for having the house to yourself is to make it look like no biggy. It is a scientific fact that if your children know you love something, they will immediately destroy it. Remember metabolism, high-heeled shoes, and sleep? You loved those, right? Destroyed. By Children. But it's not their fault – their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet. Like I said, science.
So as it is with the details of their conception and the circumstances of your 21st birthday; what the kids don't know, can't hurt them. Those precious babies don't need to know that when mom is alone in the house, this is what she does.
She Completes Two Hours of Housework in 10 Minutes
This is an important piece of the facade. You want everyone to think you slaved away. It is okay if all the dirty clothes are locked in the guestroom closet and the dirty dishes are shoved under the sink. The crucial thing is you have created a believable illusion of a home that is tidy.
She Picks All the Chocolates Out of the Trail Mix
It is a mother's duty to put the health of her children first. They don't need that candy with all its sugary deliciousness. No, they need the nutrients from those nuts, seeds, and dried fruit.
She Plays Mindless Games on Her Phone
If the kids knew how good you were at Crossy Road, Candy Crush, and Bejeweled, they would only feel inferior. Best to keep that to yourself. You know, for their self-esteem.
She Eats the Last Piece of Pizza
A mother will sacrifice. If there is only one piece of pizza, and more than one child, who will get that last cheesy piece? Arguments will ensue and a mother won't play favorites. Time to take that slice down with a cold beverage. It's for the sake of the famliy!
She Takes a Nap
Children are born with the innate ability to sabotage rest in any form. If they find out you napped while they were gone, they will chain themselves to the kitchen table and never leave the house again. If they catch you on the couch upon returning, quickly act like you were collecting chip crumbs from between the cushions and deflect the situation by reminding them, "this is why we don't eat on the couch!"
Even when the kids are gone for an afternoon, we still miss them. But moms need alone time to recharge and refresh. If you want to enjoy the luxurious happening of an empty house, you have to deal your own hand. Find that sweet spot of making them believe you labored when you really watched two hours of Netflix. Once you have this perfected, the heavens will open and bestow upon you spa days, girls weekends and naps on a rainy Saturday. Go get yours, mama!
