Ever feel like despite the havoc a divorce would wreck on your family, you’d just might consider it if you hear one more comment that sounds like it came straight from an uninformed husband who trots off to work each day leaving you and and the screaming baby?  Why is it that the wonderful nurturing husband you intentionally picked out seems to go missing and his doppelganger takes his place when he walks in the door? If your husband wants to stay married, show him this list.

A woman who has just had a baby has absolutely no sense of humor. Her hormones are up and down and all around trying to find their way back to normal. This is prime annoyance time with anything that is over ten pounds and not gurgling and cooing at her.
    
Here’s the top ten list of things you should never say to your wife who has just given birth to YOUR child.


1)    When you come home from work and your wife is sitting on the couch with your newborn in the exact same position you last saw her nine hours ago, don’t ask “What did you do all day? How come you didn’t take a shower yet?” She more than likely tried to take a shower at least ten times and each time the baby demanded something until finally she said, you know what? To heck with the shower.

2)    If your wife is breastfeeding around the clock the first few months, don’t open your mouth and say things like you read about how the baby should be on this feeding schedule or that one. Excuse me, when did you start lactating? And if she is walking around topless in the house in only a bra that isn’t even on completely right, don’t mention a thing. And definitely do not ask her to put a shirt on.

3)    Don’t talk about how easy the labor was and how quickly the baby came out to almost complete strangers. Odds are your perception of time and your wife’s is nowhere near the same. I was in labor with my son for 21 hours. My husband seems to think it was an hour and a half. Give into your wife on how painful it was. Yes, you can guess, but her pain belongs to her, not you.

4)    Don’t offer to baby sit your own child. It is grammatically, semantically and technically impossible to ‘baby sit’ your own child. You aren’t watching the baby for your wife unless she had the baby by Immaculate Conception or with your best friend behind your back. You are watching your own kid. It’s what you are supposed to do. It’s not something you should be praised for or acknowledged for. She does it every single day with no praise at all.

5)       Do: tell her she looks beautiful. She just had your kid, for goodness sakes. Don’t whine about not getting any right away. She just had something with a head the size of a melon push out of her. She might not be overjoyed about the prospect of…

6)      …and related to that one… Don’t tell her you think this whole child having thing is great and you can’t wait to get started on the next one. Most women, I venture to say, might want to get used to the first one, thank you very much. And also, judging by your reaction might not of course want a second one with you.

7)    She undoubtedly feels uncomfortably larger than you’ve ever seen her before.  This is dangerous ground.  You can probably get away with buying her a gym membership she’s requested or watching your own kids so she can jog but leave this alone for now.

8)    If she happens to be walking around the house barefoot—no barefoot and pregnant or barefoot trailer trash jokes. Now is a very good time to practice restraint.

9)    Change diapers. Nothing says we are in this together like a man who changes a diaper. Don’t offer to do it, just do it. Pick junior up and go for it. Nothing freaks out a mom more than making dinner and needing to change diapers at the same time whilst a husband sits on the couch.

10)    Don’t mention or go off on a guys’ weekend of poker or Vegas unless your wife has already had an experience of equal freedom. Don’t talk about vacations and the need to get away or that you feel constrained. Your wife has a parasitic being strapped to her nipples right now---she knows way more about feeling tied down and constrained than you do.  Great idea? She gets to go off for a day AND THEN you get to go off for a day.

Follow this list and I’m sure you’ll stay married. You can thank me later. ☺