Recently, my ten year old daughter announced she needed a training bra. I have absolutely no idea where she heard the words “bra” or “training” together in the same sentence.

The arrival of any physical change hurls almost all dads into a palpable darkness; a pony-less, rainbow lacking, stuffed animal barren environment, sometimes called Puberty. And, usually followed by this ubiquitous pronouncement: She’s growing up, and there’s nothin’ you can do about it.

While it may be true change is inevitable, you have the opportunity to positively impact her development now and in the future. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, emphasizes a father’s authority – his protection, truthfulness, and problem solving – to influence high risk behaviors.

Some dads refuse to accept this idea of a daughter’s natural evolution and development. For example, many fathers envision truckloads of daughters whisked away to some remote Himalayan town where every girl remains chaste protected by enormous tigers and sword wielding eunuchs. This is not reality. This is denial; a fear based on the challenges of fatherhood. Denial works best, for instance, as you lose your hair, avoiding mirrors and all other purveyors of your reflection. Not a good parenting strategy.

Knowledge
The opposite of fear is knowledge. Your daughter’s body is changing; one of the millions of changes yet to arrive. Don’t panic like the first time you saw grandpa without his false teeth. A training bra is not “gateway” underwear. Training bras don’t lead to teddies which lead to thongs which lead to who knows what. Dads are obligated to learn about their children. Any information gained allows you to feel comfortable because nothing has the power to surprise you. You don’t have to share your knowledge if it makes you uncomfortable. Being aware has the power to dissipate anxiety.

Communication
Not that again! If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay. But, before you plunge your head into the nearest icy Alaskan river, find someone with more tact and empathy. No matter how hard you try, only a mother, aunt, grandmother, or older sister knows what is really happening. Mary Engelstatter, a psychologist from Wilmington, North Carolina, emphasizes that a close family member or close woman friend will help make the experience less awkward, especially because girls must be fitted in the changing room with the help of a knowledgeable salesperson. But your willingness to listen strongly resonates with your daughter and increases the trust between you and her. Your daughter may not feel comfortable talking to you. Honor that. Listen to her silence. The safer she feels, the more trusting she will be. Providing that trust has a positive effect on future male relationships.

Passages
What makes this passage away from childhood so special is the unique bond a father creates between himself and his daughter. Yes, developing body parts is a precursor to a hormonal 4th of July. And maybe the only thing you know about bras is that they are not necessary for your little girl. But helping your daughter say goodbye to childhood, leads her to discover who she is; a father who provides answers and truthfulness influences self-esteem and helps his daughter avoid drugs, alcohol use, and excessive adolescent risk taking behaviors.

Questions may overwhelm you: Do you tell her bras are good? Will this lead to boys? Where is that chastity belt? Leaving your daughter’s childhood behind is as difficult for you as it will be for her. And if you think this is tough, wait until credit cards and agreeing on a college you can afford.

It is easier to run into the bedroom and lock the door and remember those carefree days of piggy back rides and finger painting. But neither one of you will thrive.

Celebrate your obligation and commitment. It’s okay to want her to remain a child. Just help her grow up first.