The Icky Gooey List of Disgusting Things Only Parents Would Do…

“Oh my god! That’s disgusting!” My friend in her late sixties said when she saw what I thought was a stealth move on my part…my daughter’s nose in a perpetual state of drip had gone too far and like any mother I know below a certain age, I did what comes naturally…I used the inside hem of the bottom of my t-shirt to wipe her nose clean then folded the material back over like it never happened. It was one quick martial art like movement. I’m certain that if photographed? It wouldn’t have been caught on film. But damn it, nothing can go by Judy without her noticing. But I was quick with an excuse.

“You’re only disgusted because you never had kids. If you’d have had them, this wouldn’t look half as bad as it does,” I offered.

“Naw—I think I’d still be disgusted. Don’t you carry Kleenex?”

Well, yes as a matter of fact, I do carry tissue but we ran out because we do this perpetually and there isn’t a Costco lifetime supply of tissue that can keep up with that nose. Besides, by the time I found the tissue in my purse, the snot would have reached her neck. But of course this got me to thinking. What other disgusting habits do parents have that grate on the nerves of our sophisticated childfree counterparts?

1) The aforementioned snot on the shirt. I’ve been doing this for nearly six years with two kids. I’ve only been caught doing it once and I venture to say that until my kids can wipe their noses with their own t-shirts, I’ll still be doing it.

2) Butt wiping. It takes a really special kind of single , carefree, non-child having friend to take to this activity. Other than the inexplicable babysitters who love children beyond reason, I can’t think of a childfree person that I know willing to do this. I was barely willing to do this. My kids potty trained early to cut down on this sort of maintenance. But in general, parents willingly put up with all sorts of smells and consistencies for the sake of caring for their young. The more zealous among us stare at the contents for a moment (OMG why is it blue?! Oh, right, the blueberries…). I have an aunt that did us all one further and commented on the contents of her kids’ diapers like others might comment on news stories (today? Ryan’s was really chunky…).

3) Eating after the kids. Kids waste lots of food. That thing they swore up and down they loved last week that you bought two for one to stock up? Yeah, they hate it now. You are stuck eating four bites of Smart Dogs, two bites of Mac N Cheese and carrot sticks that look like rabid bunnies got a hold of…and you put this all in your own stomach as you wipe up their lunch. Eeeewww.

4) Eating off the floor. What goes better with eating after your kids than eating off the floor? Perhaps you were pretending to be the family dog and they dropped it for you. Perhaps, in not wanting to waste, you encouraged them to eat it. Five second rule, right? Was that five seconds or was it fifteen? Just eat it. Do you know how much a basket of strawberries are right now?!

5) Bathroom announcements. In an effort to make your children comfortable with their bodies and their functions, you keep the door open to the bathroom. You’ve inquired for a year or two as to whether or not they’ve done 1 and 2. Now, in the preschool years, whenever they leave the bathroom they announce what they did to the discomfort of your single childfree friend drinking coffee at your dining room table. You don’t miss a beat and yell back, “I don’t hear water running. Wash your hands! Thank you.” The childfree friend just looks at you like you are from another planet. Doubly so when after you excuse yourself to the restroom your kids ask you, what did you do mommy? Did you wash your hands?”

6) Wiping the kid's face with your own saliva. Okay, don't even tell me you don't do it. You are getting them out of the car seats and taking them to your mother in laws when you find a spot of chocolate above the lip from ice cream earlier. The wipes are in the trunk. Somewhere. You hope. But you can't let them walk in with that on their faces, can you? You are already late. The mother in law already thinks her son is living in a junk yard that *YOU* can't seem to keep clean. You don't need the bad rap. Who is going to know?

7) Putting kid feet in your mouth for fun. It's own form of foot and mouth disease to be sure. But you made these feet. And they are damn cute and yes, from time to time, you put them in your own mouth when you are playing with them. I know, I know...they've been walking around on that dirty floor you've been eating off of all morning. It's all uhm..related? Circular. You are helping build strong immune systems.

If nothing else, raising children in their icky gooey world helps you get over yourself and your issues of cleanliness, disease, and of course has you readily prepared for all types of travel to anywhere in the world. So what icky disgusting thing have you been doing that grosses out your more rational childfree single friends?