I rolled over on my pillow, smiled at my rising husband and said, “Do you want me to get up with you or would you like some time alone this morning?”

He said, “You need all the rest you can get, and you know I don’t like choices.”

“I know, I’m learning,” I say, then bury my cheek in goose down and fall soonly back to sleep.

I am learning to not treat my husband like my toddler, but when it works so well with the three year old, it’s hard to not want to extrapolate the success.

When my son was first born, long before he could talk, I read a book by Jim and Charles Fay, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. In it the authors outline a plan for allowing your children to share control over their lives by offering them lots of small choices. The idea is that in doing so, you teach them how to make choices, And from a discipline standpoint, you help prevent confrontations because the child doesn’t feel quite so helpless. There are, of course, guidelines. Here the the ones Jim Fay suggests on his website, http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/sharingcontrol.html.

• Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for anyone else.
• For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be OK with you.
• If the child doesn't decide in ten seconds, decide for him or her.
• Only give choices that fit with your value system.

After lots of practice, I’ve gotten quite good at the art of giving many options throughout the day. It’s second nature now to say things such as the following:

• “Would you like apricot or blueberry jelly on your sandwich?”
• “Would you like to clean up the trains by yourself or should mommy help?”
• “Would you like to wear the blue pants or the gray pants?”
• “Would you like me to put you up for adoption now or yesterday?”

Though the last one’s a joke, I’ve thought it.

For the most part, I have found that Finn responds well to having a menu of choices instead of always having me tell him what to do. He is a very independent child, and honoring that independence instead of stifling it helps both of us to make it through the day with smiles on our faces.

For instance, here’s the choice I didn’t believe could work so well. It’s almost straight out of the Fay’s book. Finn and I are at the park. He loves the park. It’s almost time to leave, and he will often fight the departure and plead to stay. If I’m lucky, he reasons with me. “Just one more slide.” If he’s tired or cranky, he might just say, “No! I don’t want to go.”

So I pull out the Fay’s fabulous line, “Would you like to leave the park now or in five minutes.” Invariably, no matter how much he loves whatever activity we’re off to next, the answer is “Five minutes.”

I give him a warning in four minutes, and then I tell him, “Okay, it’s been five minutes.” I may still get a “one more slide,” which I will sometimes allow, but then he does run along to the car as easy as can be.

Miraculous.

You see why I naturally began to use choices with my husband.

“Would you like pasta or stir-fry for dinner tonight?”

“Should we go to my parent’s house today or tomorrow?”

“Can you watch our son for two hours or three hours?”

But my husband hates choices. He would much rather have me tell him what is going to happen. We’re having pasta. Tomorrow night we’re going to my parent’s house. I need three hours alone this afternoon, so you’ll need to stay with Finn.

Even 15 years ago when we were first dating, he wanted me to decide which restaurant we would go to. He would cringe, even then, every time I said the dreaded two-letter word, or.

Seems as if I’m the one who needs to be trained. What’s good for the gosling is not always good for the gander. I should stop giving him choices. Or, maybe I should just try it one more time to see if he doesn’t respond better this time …