If I have to hear one more person tell me to relax, I think I will scream.  Stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes stress…right…..or is it the other way around?    

This is an ongoing debate in the world of trying to conceive.   What adds to the confusion is that there are many studies that show both sides to this.  Stress has an impact on just about every area of the body, including the reproductive area.  Therefore it is easy to conclude that if stress is present, reproductive issues will be also.  However when it comes down to it, studies that do show stress as a reason for infertility do not show it as a leading reason.  In fact, many people under high amounts of stress get pregnant, and many individuals who are very relaxed until they start infertility treatments, have had no pregnancy success at all (Stress & Infertility Info).

So lately I have had enough people tell me “if you just relax, you’ll get pregnant” “now that you are adopting, you will get pregnant”, even Sex in the City sends the message (this is a spoiler alert if you have not seen it) “my doctor said lots of women get pregnant once they decide to adopt – Charlotte”.  So when my beloved infertility warrior Charlotte York, and my 86 year-old grammy topped the list of people perpetuating the myth, if you just relax, you will get pregnant, I decided I would either go crazy from people thinking there is such a simple fix to such a devastating and complex problem, or I would finally face my irritation, examine myself and statistics and find out if there really is any truth to the question:

Is my stress keeping me from getting pregnant?

In addition to the information I found above, there are 3 statistics that answer this questions and  also put an end to the “relax to conceive” myth:

Though it seems like everyone knows someone, even I do, that got pregnant after they gave up on infertility treatments, or decided to adopt, in reality, this is not a common occurrence.  Because of the low number of incidences like this, it can also be concluded that some or most of these women got pregnant, not because they relaxed, but because of other factors allowing pregnancy to take place.

“The act of adopting a child cannot erase a woman's or man's infertility problem, and individuals who suggest adoption as a psychological "cure" to infertility are sadly misled. What is likely to happen in those instances is that infertility caused by unknown factors was somehow diminished. Since about 20% of infertile couples have "unexplained infertility" for their diagnosis, this is likely to account for such a phenomenon.” (http://encyclopedia.adoption.com/entry/pregnancy-after-adoption/285/1.html )

Would I, and the other 6 -7 million individuals in the US battling with infertility love to have the answer to our battle be “relax”, yes.  Genuinely, I would, and I can imagine that the other infertility warriors out there would embrace relaxing whole heartedly if pregnancy is what the result would be.  But I do not believe relaxing is the answer.

I believe that for whatever reason, 1 in 6 couples battle infertility, and may never know the cause/reason, or one day it might joyfully be presented to us.  Until then, we do have to try to relax, not so we will get pregnant, but so our marriages, our professions, and our lives will enjoyed.

When you tell a women to “relax” (with well meaning intentions), or that “maybe now she will get pregnant that she is “not trying” or adopting”, you are telling her that in some part she is to blame for this horrid experience that she and her husband are going through.  Infertility brings on elements completely out of our control. This is the scariest part of it, this is the part that makes us go crazy, this the part that induces stress.  If there is any part, any part at all, in this tumultuous journey, that we can control, we would. And if it meant taking a seminar on releasing our stress, going to the spa, taking a vacation, having a few drinks,  trying not to “think” about it, we would…..and chances are…..we have.

So next time you think about telling your friend “to relax”, “to change their thoughts”, that” you are so happy they are adopting, now they will get pregnant”…please don’t….instead, just listen, hold their hand, give them a hug, and tell them that you too cannot understand why they are not a mommy yet.