Hey there, Mama. Welcome to the year 2011, when you can buy diapers with one-click checkout and Google things like, "How do I potty train a preschooler?"
Some of it is helpful, other times the information is more than we need. Or should I say, too trendy? As moms in a modern age, we know too much about what the other gal is doing. Sure, we all need advice, and new ideas. But the trends of What Is Necessary to Raise Kids have gotten way out of hand.
Bling, Baby, Bling
Check it out: A $17,000 dollar pacifier. It's available for purchase now, and features 278 Pave Set Diamonds in a circle shape on the handle. (I don't know what Pave Set means, but I bet it's fancy.) A careful review of the item's description brings to light that this binky is "not recommended for actual use."
That's right, folks. It's just a keepsake.
That's funny. For almost 20 grand, this dazzling doo-dad should soothe a baby's cry, calm their middle-of-the-night fears, and change their diapers. If, after the kids is almost grown up and heads to college, perhaps it could be traded for an Ivy League tuition. Then it would be worth it.
There's No Blocking This
The Wee Block. Yeah. If you've got a baby boy, your best hope is to gently place a wadded-up washcloth over that um, area, and hope for the best 12-15 times a day. One way or another, you're gonna get peed on. More than once. You may have stain-resistant clothing and waterproof mascara, but there is really no quick fix for a direct shot of urine in your eye. If uncontrollable streams coming from your infant are a real problem, wear an apron over your clothes, or throw on your husband's old Bret Favre football jersey.
Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On
Here's a memo: The denim craze faded away with the 80's. This is a bad idea, one that ranks right down there with pajama jeans. Besides, kids are supposed to wearing pants over their diapers when out and about, yes?
Heel to Toe
Ever since Cinderella lost her glass slipper (clearly represented as a high heel in the Disney movie), girls have begged their parents for duplicates of the dainty shoe. It is probably hypocritical to bemoan the wearing of heels by little girls when many of us mamas do it too, but they grow up fast enough.
They'll soon know the pain of eyebrow plucking, the exasperation of not being able to snap a pair of jeans, and the importance of finding the right moisturizer. Heels are fun, but they require talent. And balance. Let 'em wait. Squeezing toes into a leopard-print pump will be a glorious chore soon enough.
So Moms, save your money for cheap burp cloths, thick bibs, and two-dollar binkys. These are things you really need, and I guarantee your six-week-old won't care a bit if the kid down the street has something better. Save your money for technology and modern conveniences that will work for you. Plop them in the used stroller you found on Craigslist, and type up a Facebook status seeking help when the precious babe screams throughout the night.
When your daughter grows up contentedly wearing discounted flats, and you've saved up enough to finance your son's first year of higher education, you can thank me then.
