He used to shriek in almost physical pain if I tried to so much as leave the room without him. Of course, that was ten years ago. Lately – about the time he blew out eleven candles on his birthday cake – my son doesn’t seem to want much to do with dear old mom. In fact, the gulf between us now seems to rival that between Sean Hannity and Jon Stewart.

Oh, I know he still loves me. But I was hoping that sometime soon – say, before he left for college – I’d be able to get a little closer to the soon-to-be-man in my house. So I began waging an all-out campaign to regain his affections. Here’s what I discovered works (and what doesn’t):

1. Follow his lead. I am a typical 40-something female. I like malls, manicures, and massages. Not so crazy about Pokemon, skateboarding, or Flo Rida. But I can learn – and so can you. Think about reconnecting with your son like wooing a new heartthrob (no, not in the weird Oedipal sense, you sicko!). When you had a new honey, anything he was interested in, you immediately became enthralled with, whether it was fly fishing or 1970s tribute bands.

Use the same technique with your son by contracting a sudden and deep interest in his favorite subjects. Give him a chance to show off by letting him teach you. Be authentic in your interest, though. To adolescents parental fakery is more odiferous than week-old scrod.

You may have gone too far if...You put more time into learning the stats of the starting lineup for the Boston Red Sox than you did into studying for the Bar exam.

2. Don’t try to be cool. You’ve seen ‘em – the moms and dads who think they’re “with it” because their wardrobe comes from Abercrombie, and they’re up on (down with?) the latest texting lingo. You know them, so don’t be them. You are old. Admit it, accept it, and let’s move on.

You may have gone too far if…You start referring to your seventh grader’s friends as “Dawg.”

3. Quit with the questions already. The surest way to get any male – including your son – to clam up tighter than Kim Kardashian’s rear end is to throw a bunch of questions at him. Men view these conversational gambits as hand grenades. When they see one flying their way, they’re trained to duck and cover as if their very life depended on it, not catch it, examine it, and toss it gently back. Though it’s against the female nature, stop interrogating him about his activities, his friends and (worst of all) his feelings.

You may have gone too far if…You refrain from asking the basic “Who-What-When-Where-Why-How-Will there be a parent there?” questions before your middle schooler packs a duffle for a weekend at his buddy’s house.

4. Stop talking. No, it isn’t enough to just stop giving your pre-teen the third degree; you need to stop talking so much in general. Why? Because maybe, just maybe, if you stop talking, he will. A novel thought, eh? Also, if most of your conversations with your kid are of the one-sided “I told you a million times to take out the trash” variety, it’s no wonder he’s not spilling his guts to you.

Seek out activities you can participate in without conversation being the main point. Out: Bare-your-soul lunches, secluded forest strolls or mid-day phone check-ins. In: Bowling, Scrabble, or Wii. You may be surprised that an afternoon on the golf course produces a few unanticipated nuggets of personal information.

You may have gone too far if ...You talk so little your family thinks you’ve taken a vow of silence and joined the Order of the Wayward Mothers convent.

5. Redefine “connect.” As parents, we want to know every tiny thing our child is thinking, feeling, and experiencing. Well, most everything. But that just isn’t realistic once our progeny pass through the toilet training stage. By wishing for a Siamese-twin relationship, we can actually stunt their emotional growth (and our own).

As painful as it may be, kids naturally separate from us as they mature. And we need to let them go. That doesn’t mean we can’t stay close; it just means that we need to look for a different kind of connection, one that depends on depth rather than breadth. We may never again know every thought that passes through their heads as they experience the minutiae of their day, but we can know more who they truly are – if we take the time to listen and appreciate the information they are sharing with us.

You may have gone too far if…You see your child only on weekends when he appears with his hand out for his allowance.

This post was included in the Daily Life: Carnival.