What do you do when EVERYONE around you seems to have exactly what you want, but no matter what you do, you can’t get it for yourself?  In my case, pregnancy is the culprit.  

So, as I sit in a quiet corner of a small airport, heading back home after spending two weeks in my home town surrounded by reminders of what I don't have in the form of  throwing a baby shower, learning from the last two people I expected to be pregnant that they are newly pregnant, and looking at my little nieces and nephews  day-after-day and being continuously reminded that  I nor any member of my family will look at them and say, you have your dad's eyes or you look just like your uncle….. if it sounds like I am wallowing in self pity, you are correct. I am.

I have a blessed life, an amazing husband, a career I love, my health, a roof over my head, and a close nit circle of loved ones, but I can’t stop thinking, “WHY ME!” and “Its not fair”.   I can’t snap out of this battle with self-pity and just be happy for the “Fertile Myrtles” in my life.  

I know I am not alone in this battle of self pity, so I ask, what do you do about it? There is nothing I can do to speed this up. My counselor recently told me, “Lori, control what you can control, the rest, find a way to deal with.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I can’t control much in this crazy process, but, according to my intelligent and experienced counselor, I can deal with it.  I have excused myself from my pity part before, and step-by-step, I can do it again. 

1.       You have to want to. I have realized until the desire to feel better comes from somewhere deep down and genuine, regardless of my circumstances, I can’t feel better.  Sometimes it’s more comfortable in my circumstances being bummed.  It’s easier to be depressed or angry, than it is to muster up enough energy to fight through the comfort that comes with self-pity and misery to reach that ability to be content in any situation.

2.       Acknowledge it’s not fair and move on.  It does not seem fair to me that every month I watch another close loved one, move on to the parenthood phase of life as I get yet another visit from “Aunt Flo”, but life is not fair….and whether life is fair or not fair, life goes on. I have had a fear that if I stopped feeling sorry for myself, somehow, it would be the same as me saying, “it’s okay that this is happening to me”.  It’s not okay, but regardless of its okay, life is going on around me, and I know I want to be a part of it, and I am sure you do to.

3.       Start feeling better. Thoughts like, “Its not fair”, “Why Me” and, “I’ll Never Be a Parent” are going to come in to your frame of thought. But leave them there.  Change your focus to something positive. If you are a person of faith, focus on a verse or promise from your faith. If not, or if that does not work for you, focus on a positive or motivating quote. Think about all the times life has been tough and you made it through to the other side of the mountain, and usually with an even better ending than what you ever imagined.

If you cannot change your thought process by refocusing in the above way.  Leave the room, change your scenery, go do something that you enjoy or that makes you feel more in control of your life or like you are moving forward in some aspect of your life. For me, working out, scrapbooking, walking around outside, and writing work best.

4.       Acknowledge the positive.  Every journey has some type of positive to it. My journey with infertility has had countless blessings come out of it. There are points where I don’t know if I would do my life differently because I am so grateful for the blessings that have been created.  There are also many days where I would give my right arm to snap my fingers and have a child, and where nothing makes it better. Regardless of that, I have experienced blessings throughout this journey.  Focusing on that can help you realize, your path may not be the same as your sister or friend, but different is not 100% bad, it can be uniquely good, and often times, much more special.

5.       Congratulate your friend/loved one while keeping your feelings in perspective.  It’s not “fair” for us to take away from our loved ones joy for their newest little miracle.  However be honest. Let them know that you are happy for them, but because of your own battle, it brings up emotions that are difficult for you to deal with. Let them know it does not take away from your joy for them, but that you need a little space/time to come to terms with your own emotions.

If that does not work, let them know they have every right to be excited, but out of respect for your pain, minimize the excitement, or pregnancy complaints when around you and maximize them around others that don’t have the emotional turmoil you are going through.   I have found this works about 95% of the time.  The 5% it does not, I realize, it’s my job to steer clear of these painful situations.  This step can help you be true to your feelings, enhance your relationship with your loved one, as well as minimize the ever present feeling of helplessness found on this journey.

As my wise counselor says, control what you can control. You may not be able to control when you have a baby, or whether or not your friend who is not even thinking about entering the phase of parenthood becomes pregnant, but you can control little things along the way. Spread the word that you are looking to adopt, get a second job so you can save more money for when you do have the baby, read up on parenting books, and go on a “baby moon” with your spouse.  Do what you can do, you may be surprised like I was, this journey is not the end of a dream, it’s the creation of new dreams and life paths.