Having kids involved makes getting a divorce even more difficult than it already is, particularly when there's a high level of animosity between you and your partner. While you cannot protect your kids from all of the effects of the divorce, there are ways that you and your ex can continue to raise your kids together that will minimize these effects and remind them that both Mom and Dad still love them.

You're Still a Team

Unless your ex is a danger to your children, it's better for the children to be raised by both of you. Joint custody arrangements can be ugly, but you can make it work if you see yourselves as being on the same team. You don't have to love each other anymore and you don't even have to like each other, but seeing yourselves as teammates will help your kids feel secure.

There are many ways to demonstrate this sort of solidarity with your ex.

• Recognize that your kids need both of you right now, and always will.
   
• Don't ever say bad things about each other.
   
• Agree on parenting styles and boundaries. If you can't agree, let your kids know up front what they can expect in each home and don't belittle the other's style.
   
• Make the big decisions together.

Process Your Issues in a Healthy Way (and Help Your Kids Do It, Too!)

Divorce hurts, and there's no use pretending otherwise. If you're going through one, know and accept that both you and your ex are going to need to talk about it. However, your kids don't need to hear most of your process, particularly if you're angry and hurt. Find a counselor, therapist, religious leader, or a good friend and pour your heart out when the kids aren't around.

Your kids will need to process what's going on, too. Listen to them, hold them when they cry, and do your best to explain the situation in age-appropriate words, but don't get stuck in the middle if they are upset with your ex. Tell them that they need to take their problems with one of you to that parent, and stick to it. If you think your kids need some outside help, don't hesitate to get them to a counselor, too.

Maintain a Steady Relationship With Your Ex

Even if you would prefer not to speak to your ex again, recognize that your kids will benefit from an open relationship between the two of you. Watching the two of you communicate well and work together to solve problems even when you don't want to will help your kids learn about regulating their own emotions and handling interpersonal conflict.

If you're not sure you can do this, there are some tips that might help:

• Keep conversations with your ex business-like. Just as you can deal with difficult people in a work setting by maintaining business standards, you can solve problems with your ex in the same manner.
   
• Be flexible. If your ex needs you to take the kids, do your best to accommodate. If you need your ex to take them, don't hesitate to ask.
   
• Be gracious. It might gall you to talk regularly with your ex about the kids or to let him or her have some extra time with them in a special situation, but make an effort to do so. Even apologize if you inadvertently do something wrong. Grace can go far towards making the relationship smooth.
   
• Be willing to compromise. Meeting in the middle may feel impossible, but try to do it. Giving in a little may motivate your ex to do the same, which will make your relationship easier than it would otherwise be.

Throughout it all, remember that co-parenting is the best thing you can do for your kids when your marriage dissolves. And while it may feel impossible, it's a goal you can achieve when you're both committed to your kids' best interests and willing to work to make things come together.