When I was a little girl in Sunday School, a teacher once pointed out the Biblical passage that states, Do not sin in your anger. Her point was that anger in and of itself isn't wrong, as long as we don't allow ourselves to lose our temper and commit wrongdoing in the midst of it. Easier said than done, for sure, but according to the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, anger can actually be helpful by pinpointing a problem.

For instance, when one of my children is mean to a sibling, it makes me fuming mad, and it's with good reason that I'm upset. It should upset me to see my child hurt at the hands of her sibling. As long as I channel that anger in a positive direction, i.e. helping the guilty child see the error of her ways, then the anger in and of itself isn't a bad thing.

In the book, Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN, list five basic causes of anger. They point out that once we analyze our anger and determine what is causing it, we can respond in a healthy and positive way. 

1. Physical Pain

I know when I step on a toy one of my kids left laying around, I sometimes lose my temper, but this should be a clue that I need to hold them accountable to pick up their toys.

2. Blocked Goals

My 4-year-old has a hundred ways of thwarthing my attempts to get out of the house on time. Rather than get mad, I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to teach her to follow directions promptly.

3. Violated Rights

Sometimes I just want a few minutes of peace. Instead of getting upset, I'm trying to remember to channel this energy to a positive outcome, so lately I've been teaching my kids that there are times when they can't disturb me.

4. Unfairness

When I see one of my kids picking on another, I see red. But I find that when I stay calm and talk to them about loving one another and treating each other with respect, rather than getting mad and taking out my anger on the perpetrator, it works out better for everyone involved.

5. Unmet Expectations

I think this one applies more to marriage than parenting, at least that's where I'm convicted of this one! I'm trying not to expect my husband to read my mind when I want him to help with household chores or with parenting tasks. I used to get mad and hold a grudge, but now I try to address the topic civilly.

In all of these situations, I have a right to be upset, but allowing myself to get angry only serves to undermine my authority in the situation. Putting a label on my feelings helps me redirect my negative energy to a more productive response. If I can stay calm and explain the problem and the solution, and implement practical consequences, then we can all learn from the situation.