My email box is flooded with newsletters from parenting magazines and wanna-be parenting magazines who claim to know the answer to the eternal question of “Are You a Good Mom?” With a subject line that claims to hold truth in uncertain times, you might think that I would click the message open, and dive into an evaluation or reassurance of my skills as a parent. Thankfully, expert advice of this kind usually ends up in my trash folder. Here’s why I avoid the temptation to self-assess and refuse to be judged by generic parenting standards.

Each child is unique. This no-brainer explains my parenting style away every time. With one kid who needs tough love and another who needs tougher love, I can safely assume that the perfect Mom for Sally won’t always respond well to Susie’s needs. One tot’s spirit may be easily crushed by the prospect of a “time-out”, while younger brother may need a serious talking to five times a day. Our ability to fulfill the parenting role in a uniquely tailored way is what makes us shine.

You will grow as you go. Start out as a parent defined by social norms and ideological precepts, and you might find yourself experiencing numerous growing pains each time one of your beliefs is tested. While a consistent and core set of values is necessary to provide a safe and stable environment for your child, I guarantee that your soapbox will have to be adjusted every now and again. Experts will hold tight to their philosophies of parenting long enough to sell their latest book, but the real parents know that grace and understanding will shape you into the parent you need to be.

Good isn’t the same as adequate. I know plenty of good parents. They provide for their children in all the necessary ways, and then some. While it would be wonderful for every child to have the best upbringing possible, this world doesn’t work that way. In a time when abuse and neglect run rampant, and many parents struggle to give their kids the basics, I’ll settle for adequate any day. While it’s nice that the hippest parenting magazine will tell you how to plan that perfect birthday party or how to dress your kid for success, they will always shy away from the stuff that every parent really should know: how to provide healthy meals, the most basic hygiene skills, and why it is important to keep little ones safe from dangerous relationships.

The next time you see a 6-question quiz that begs you to examine whether you are a “Good Mom” or a “Good Dad,” skip it. Grab your child, look them straight in the eye, and tell them you love them. Add a kiss or a hug for good measure. Regardless of past mistakes, you’ve just taken an amazing step in the very best direction.