It happened! You got the call you have been waiting for! A birth family has chosen your profile as the one they want to pursue. Now, the next step is here, the match meeting. It’s time to do what is often the final step in the match process. Sitting down with the birth family, the adopting family and the social worker and determining if this is a good match for everyone involved.

Recently Michael and I got this call. After the initial elation of realizing we were now closer than we had ever been to becoming parents, we were hit with anxiety at a level that we had never felt before. This was the most important day in our lives together, so many questions formed in our minds….so much was on the line. Lucky for Michael and I, we have many dear friends that are going through the process and had recently had a successful match meeting. We gathered our questions, interviewed our friends, and prayed a lot. This is what we found: 

• Be yourself. “Ha!” Easier said than done. But so necessary. Whatever you can do to relax, do. This meeting has to be genuine. You want the birth family to see you as you truly are and you want to bring out answers and reactions in them that represents who they truly are so that a genuine match can take place.  
   
• If you are still nervous when you get there, don’t beat yourself up! My good friend vomited in the parking lot right before her meeting, and I turned into a woman that could not speak at mine…but I can only imagine what would have happened if I had not allowed myself to relax in the days leading up to the meeting.
   
• Come prepared with questions that are important to you, but realize the situation may not allow for you to ask all of them. Prioritize them so you get the most important ones asked. Also, read the situation carefully to know which questions are okay to ask, and which ones may be too personal or inappropriate at this place in the process.
   
• After talking to my friends, and going through this situation ourselves, I have realized, every birth family and match meeting is different. Some will be very emotional and intense, and others will just stay at the surface. The best thing I have learned to do, is respect the birth family’s space, but in order to do that and get the most from the meeting, you have to put your neck out there and be aware of the reaction. Ask a question, read how they answer it (verbally and non-verbally) and let that guide you on how you move forward.
   
• Wear what suits you best. I so badly wanted to come across looking like a mix between “chic” and “mommyish”. But “chic” is not necessarily what I am most comfortable in. So, I changed my approach. I thought of what outfit makes me feel most like me, and I went with it. It’s most important to feel like you. My husband even did a few things to make sure he was looking like he felt. It was pretty cute!
   
• Let the social worker take the lead. She/he is the most experienced with these match meetings, and is also the one that knows both parties best. They will have more insight on taking the conversation to places within safe boundaries for both families involved. They also have great questions! I was a so overcome with emotions from the moment our birth mother walked into the room, I was spending all of my energy taking her in and trying not to cry that I had a very difficult time speaking. Our social worker recognized this and took over on asking questions. It was a huge blessing!!! We learned more about our birth mother than we would have thought, and it saved the meeting from many awkward moments.
   
• Which brings me to my next point….the meeting is going to be awkward at points. If your meeting is not, than enjoy every moment of it! But if it is awkward, remember, that is normal. The meeting will most likely not play out like the images dreamed up in your mind (or on the latest adoption themed Lifetime movie) make it out to be. Most importantly, this does not mean that the meeting was a failure. An instant connection, tears and hugs, endless questions and conversation….. it probably is not going to be that way. Mine wasn’t, my friends weren’t, but they were all a huge success! So remember the emotional, powerful, intense parts, and don’t harp or read into the awkward ones.
   
• Take a camera! If the birth family is okay with it, take a picture to document the moment. Depending on your level of openness with the birth family, you can have this for your baby book, to frame for the nursery, or just to put away somewhere safe so that one day you can show your child a picture of their birth family (if desired). Make sure to make a copy of the picture for the option of giving it to your birth family.
   
• Soak in as much as possible about the meeting and birth family. Not just the questions they answer, but the way they answer them, the way they talk, their body language, their personality that comes out through their discussion. Go home and journal it. The more you know about your birth family and jot down (even the things that seem insignificant) the more you have to share with your child if they are curious one day.
   
• Refrain from bringing a gift to the meeting. We wanted to bring one, but from what my friends and social worker had said, it can make the birth mother feel uncomfortable. Now that I look back on our match meeting, I realize, that is very true. We did not bring a gift, but I can see how if we did, it would have made our particular birth mother feel uncomfortable because she does not feel comfortable taking gifts from people. Others have said it can make the birth family feel pressure, or a lack of genuineness from the adopting family. Or the opposite effect, feeling obligated to give something back. Since then, we bring our birth mother and her family gifts every time we see them, but we are so grateful we followed the advice not to at the initial match meeting.  Our birth mother is still uncomfortable taking them, but now we have a different level of comfortableness and trust with each other, so it works. 

These are the things I found most important before, during and after our match meeting. Please share your experiences. Each match meeting is unique. I would love to hear your experience with these points and any other advice you have to share with others that are at the match meeting step in the adoption process!